In Memory of Baby who died and gone to heaven on Octorber 22, 2007.

Mom and me (above)

I lived with my Moms and mine family memebers since my parents was devorced. Mom's side of the family was very abusive and Dad was too. My Mom loves me and never abused me in my life. She was abused also by the same family that abused me. She knew if we would leave we would have no one who would help us. She was stuck inbetween a rock and a hard place.

I grew up in poverty but you would never know that because Mom tried to make it the best for me. We where always barely scraping by like we are now. I know God put her there for a reason. I love God for putting her in my life. I love my Mom. We are more like friends than Mother and Daughter later on in life.

My Father was out of my life at age 10. He abused me and left me. This is the same Father who raped my own Mother I found out many years later. I started binge eating at the same year my Dad was out of my life. He tried to kidnap me twice from school after that and at age 12 he talked to me once. He said I was brain washed by my Mom but that wasn't true. There would be many years I would day dream about Mom getting married so I would have a Father but not knowing I had one who cared about me since before I was born.

This also brought on a TV addiction at age 10 also. We couldn't even leave on Saturday until Noon because that was cartoon time. That is how bad is was. I still watch TV and you always have the addiction. Even today I still do. I still watch TV. I sometimes have a hard time turning it off but I do. There is a battle in my mind every time I want to turn the TV off between satan and God. I want God to win so bad.

I went to a catholic church. It was more of a routine than a worshiping and praying. I didn't believe until many many years later.

I went to school but from my size from the binge eating I was at the time I was teased all through jr. high and 3 out of 4 years in high school. What changed you are wondering? I turned anorexic. My thought was the thinner I got the more happier and popular I would get. One came true. I did get more popular. Heck I even got voted snowball queen but happier no way. I was depressed and misrable.

Also I tried perfectionism and self-harm. I would bang my head in with my flute. Now I tell my Mom "no wonder why my flute got out of tune all the time." I also hold my breath until I passed out. That brought me after high school to start The Choking Game. I could have died the first time but God seems to want me here.

On graduation day all my mind was on was calories from food because we where going out to eat. She even got a limo to take us there but I didn't have fun at all. I have dreams of redoing that whole year and my graduation day for the way I am now not how I was.

The day after graduation Mom and me moved to the city. Then I started to hurt myself more. This happened to be one of many times I had to go into the mental hospital. They digenosed me with depression which many years later I found out I had bipolar. They gave me meds and let me go. Things got better. My anorexia started to go away. Then other addiction reared there heads.

I started to take diet pills. They hyperness of the caffeen took my depressed mood away for a time. Istarted taking them to lose weight again but it didn't work because I started binge eating again. Then in time I got addicted to them. I took more and more until one night I took so many that I it felt my heart was about to pound out of my chest. But by the grace of God I woke up the next morning.

Then we got kicked out of my aunt's house. We where homeless for 2 weeks. I wanted to die. It felt like the worse thing in the world getting kicked out of the house but then we got kicked out of the entire family. My world fell apart at that time not knowing later I found out it was the best thing in my life.

After that we found a apratment. Then I was in and out of the hospital for 4 years. Most of it was a blurr. All I can remember most of my time was in the hospital. One of the two hospitals was the worst hospital I have ever been in. Another thing I remember is I broke my Mom's heart. There was many years I would pray to God that he would take me now. I didn't have the guts to kill myself so I thought God could.

During this time I got into drugs. Major pain killers and muscle relaxers addiction. I have been free and clear of drugs since March 3, 2005. Praise God!!!

Then I stopped going into the hospital. I still felt empty inside. Like there was a hole inside of me that no one can fill. Then I went to this great church. This woman taught me about God. I found God and it was a answer to Mom's prayers.

We found another great church when we moved. I got baptized on October 16th, 2005. That I started to get into bible prophecy about the end times. I am happy to say God is in my life, heart and soul even today.

Then on March 19, 2006, after on March 1st when I had surgery on my ankle, I had two huge blood clots in my lungs and 2 huge one in the leg I had surgery on. I prayed a very short prayer in the CT scanner "God my life is in your hands." I found out that I have a disease that runs in my family called Antiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome or also known as APS (www.apsfa.org). I have a common disease that not all doctors know about. I still to this day still have to tell doctors in the ER about what APS is. You haven't have a more horrible feeling than the doctor don't know your illness. Even through this I kept my faith.

Then 2007 hit. Our cat died of a brain tumor on October 22, 2007 It wasn't just our cat dying. The whole 2007 was bad. We lost our car and had to go to the bus. I was afraid of the bus but not now. Then my Mom had been looking for a job that would suite her back with her back problems. We where getting very close to being homeless but God knew what was happening and gave her a job that she loves. Through all of this we both kept our faith. When Baby died she thought I would go insane but I didn't. I have could have gone back to my old habbits but I thought "if I hurt me I also hurt God." So I didn't.

I kept my Faith. God puts challanges and pain in to test us. He wants us to see how much faith we have through the bad times in life. He wants us all to pass during these times because he loves you so much.

Then in March we got a new kitten named Pooky. I named him after Garfield's teddy bear because he was so cute. One thing. God had him picked out for us. Pooky was born on October 19, 2007. Three days before our cat Baby died. God is so awesome!

I hope and pray this story lead you to truely beleive in God. It don't make your life go perfect but it will make your life better. You just need to ask him and turn away from your sins. Pray this prayer please:

God I am a sinner. I am sorry for my sins. I believe died for my sins and 3 days later he rose again to be at your right hand in heaven. I want The Holy Spirit to come within me and I want to be your hands and feet. In Jesus Name, AMEN!

GOD BLESS YOU ALL!!!